I've Got A System

Life has become less chaotic now that my children are older. They can help me with the house, and I don't have to choose between holding them or doing chores. The less mess makes my home a calmer place to exist.

I used to be a stressed-out momma in my house. I think it was a trauma response to childbirth called hyper-independence. I just couldn't handle any more changes happening around me. There were random times that I would put up boundaries that didn't make a sense to be there.

For example, my mother came to Oklahoma to help me when my second child was born, and Caleb was deployed. I felt so bad that my house was a mess, mostly because of my laundry, and that she had to clean it. So, I just started accepting the mess as a system. I remember having a pile of clean laundry (stacked pretty high) in my bedroom. I had given up on trying to fold the laundry, and I was just pulling as I needed from that pile.

My mom went to fold that laundry, and I said, "Don't worry about it. I've got a system." She tried to persuade me to let her help me, but I just thought, soon she'll be gone, and I won't have folded laundry again, so I might as well not have her do extra work. That was kind of a woe-is-me response.

I remember that conversation. I was sitting on the floor by the pile and searching for the outfits for my children. She was standing over me, and the light from the bathroom fell over her. She smiled down at me and chuckled, quietly saying, "I get it. I had a system, too." That was such an accepting and undemanding thing for her to have said.

Now that time has passed and more balance has come into my life, we truly have a system in place in our home. It isn't a give-up system, but rather it's a rise-up system. Aidan does all the laundry, and Alafair does all the dishes. They both need reminders from Caleb and I to keep up with their chores, but we have worked together to create a home that is a resting place for us.