Self Care Is Exhausting
Oh, lordy, the longer I live the harder it is for me to practice self care. I know that I need it, but the pulls of everything else in my life just leaves me with little extra drive to provide for my own needs. In particular, I've been dealing with a lot of pain in my cervical spine and thoracic spine. I suspect that it's from a lack of strength in these specific areas. With the autoimmune disease that I have, if I get unbalanced and weak in parts of my body, it causes a lot of pain and tension. If it's left unaddressed, it spirals out of control into anxiety or depression.
It's a constant practice to keep myself feeling well, and I do get discouraged when an old issue that I think I've overcome rears it's head again. I've had pain like this is my spine before. It feels like I can't keep traction in it, and my nerves get pinched, which makes me feel nauseated. Usually I can handle my health through my yoga practices, but this time I feel like I need to check in with a doctor who can decide if we need images of the bones.
The thought of dealing with my healthcare system zaps my energy quickly. If it was just me dealing with that system, I doubt that I'd be bothered, but I deal with it for both of my children, too, and that's a lot of channels to move through. By the time I get around to focusing on my health, I'm so tired of dealing with my healthcare system that I just want to run the other way. However, when I'm being honest with myself, I feel like that's just an excuse I'm using to not boss-up and do what I know needs to be done.
So, exhaustion be damned, because there are far worse consequences to allowing my health to deteriorate. Since the online scheduling services were not available, I called my hospital system and listened to the automated message drone on and on until it told me that I was caller number 17 in line. Then, I listened to their elevator music drone on and on, every once in a while pausing so the system could tell me that I'd moved closer up in the queue.
Truly, I get many small projects done while being on hold. Today, I set my phone on speaker, took my shower, got dressed for the day, and loaded into the truck with my husband and daughter to continue our adventures. It took thirty minutes for a person to answer the phone, and when he did, he was confused because my doctor was no longer working at that hospital. That surprised me, and added to my frustration, because I had just spoken with her two weeks ago to refill a sleep aid. This meant I would now need an appointment to establish care with my new provider as well as figure out how to heal my spine.
After another ten minutes, I was able to get an appointment at the end of the month, and that appointment will be to refer me to someone else who can offer help. Because I'm a grateful person, I keep trying to remind myself that it's at least free healthcare that I have. But, at this point, even working up to be grateful sucks out my energy. Thankfully I'm very knowledgeable about my body and I can do things to help myself between now and my appointment. There are many excuses for me to not take care of my body, but none of them hold up to the horror of letting it deteriorate.